Candy Rain Chocolate Umbrellas

The End of the Beginning

2010-06-12T14:15:00.002-04:00

The End of The Beginning

When I started Candy Rain, Chocolate Umbrellas I was a wreck. I had moved to Boston alone and somehow gotten completely lost in the city. The girl that I was when I arrived - strong willed, determined, independent - vanished. I didn't necessarily feel it happening at the time. There was too much going on. I was focused on school, my new life, my new boyfriend. I let myself go. But it began to take it's toll on me. I walked around terrified much of the time. I often felt like I couldn't breathe. I finally realized I was lost, so partly in an attempt to find myself and in part to occupy my time, I started this blog.

Since this blog began, a lot has happened, and I've chronicled much of it here. From a nasty break-up, to a new relationship, to finding myself, to a big move and new job Candy Rain Chocolate Umbrellas became my place to vent or even just express myself. But in the past 10 months or so, I've written less and less. Part of the reason is because I'm busier because I work full time, but an even bigger part is because I've changed. This blog was started because I was in pain, and I'm not in pain anymore. There are still days that are hard, and a large part of this first year of work has been difficult. But I have so many positive things in my life right now that the good far outweighs the bad, making it hard to come back to this place where I wrote about some of the more difficult times in my life.

So, with that being said, I'm moving to the next chapter filled with dreams of things to come in this refurbished life I've been blessed with...an amazing boyfriend, supportive family, the cutest dog/bear in the world, a good job, and living in an apartment and town with more character than must people witness in a lifetime. To mark this chapter, I'm moving to a new blog, and I hope you'll join me there: www.thewildhope.blogspot.com

Until then....

Here I go again...

2010-03-31T22:00:00.002-04:00

This morning at work, my boss, (who is kind of brutally honest in that old man who's lived a million lives sort of way) says, "Things just get worse as you get older. Every year you age is another year that things are worse than they were before."

Now, understand that this was said in a joking way, but it struck a cord with me. I think there is a pretty decent part of me who wonders if the person I was, the person who had all of these dreams of who I was going to be, is gone. What if all of my years of dreaming of the life I was going to lead just led me to this - sitting behind a desk, crunching numbers, talking to many rude people, dreaming of things I would like to do?

When I finished school last year, I was SO ready to be done, but I wasn't even sure what it was I wanted to do. Before that, when I graduated from Millsaps, I knew exactly what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be, but when I got there I didn't want to be that person anymore. Ugh. It's just all so confusing.

I know that I am so blessed to have a job with nice people that brings in a steady paycheck, but I can't help but think that this isn't how I'm supposed to be spending my life. I keep asking myself what is next. I the area we're living in, but how do I balance my dreams with reality, my career with my family. How do I afford to live here?

It's been almost a year since I graduated - 10 months to be exact - and I'm still so confused. When do you figure things out? Do you ever? Is it ever ok to make something that feels like a dream actually reality?

Neglect

2010-01-16T17:23:00.003-05:00

So I had a friend tell me I was neglecting my blog...and he's right. I guess part of the reason is I haven't know what to write over the past six months. So I'll try to give a synopsis here:

On August 4, I was hired by Kardwell International, FINALLY getting a job after a few months of searching. Now, I understood then and understand now that many people wait MUCH longer before they find a job. But I also understand that it's one thing to understand something - it's another to live it. So, I got a job and the next week I started work. Before work began though, I had to buy a car, get work clothes, get settled into an apartment, etc. Life was crazy, but it was also exciting. All of the questions had been answered. I found a job that happened to be 15-20 minutes from where my boyfriend had already found a job. Out of all of the places for me to find a job, all of the places I applied, we knew it had to fate for me to end up here. Joe's job was going great, and so was mine.

About a month later, Joe lost his job and everything changed. The security we had been feeling, the plans we had been making all vanished. It was a complicated situation. The person who started the website Joe worked for (the publisher) and the editor-in-chief of the site were fired by the investor. He wanted to bring in new people and take his company in a different direction which essentially left Joe jobless. Then, we thought unemployment would kick in, but at first the former company refused to make the right allotments in order for the government to figure out what Joe deserved and then when they finally did (after a lawyer was called in by Joe) it was discovered that he hadn't made quite enough ($10 short) in order to receive unemployment. SO we were left living on my salary. Joe had some places interested in hiring him - one back in Massachusetts and one in Queens, but we LOVE where we live and we really want to stay together, so we decided to wait it out.

Wait it out for what, you ask? A new website. The publisher and editor-in-chief who were fired by the investor of the previous company had already made plans for a new company and they immediately told Joe they wanted him on board. The company - Vue Master Media - already has domain names across the country. Media professionals including CBS news analysts and Huffington Post writers are working on getting the company started, and the first website already launched - www.northforkvue.com. The website allows Joe to work where we are, essentially doing the job that he was brought to the North Fork to do. But the website needs a full time investor, and our lives won't be completely back to normal until it does.

This whole experience has left both myself and Joe exhausted and stressed beyond belief. I got a raise which has helped us, but it definitely is a stretch every month to make ends meet. But that stretch is what we want if it means staying here together. We've learned a lot over the last few months about what we want - in life, from each other, from our work. We've learned a lot regarding how much we really do love each other. It makes you strong when it feels like the world is spinning. And we're lucky enough to be getting stronger together.

So there's the last few months in a nutshell. I hope we have great investment news soon but until then everyone just go check out www.northforkvue.com.

Thanks in advance. :)

i keep thinking about how i need to write on here....

2009-11-30T21:00:00.004-05:00

Or if i should choose a different theme....

Until i decide, here's a little reflection on how my life has changed.

When I moved to Boston in September 2007, I never could imagined the life I'm leading now. I came to Boston a complete independent spirit, married to the idea of my life as a journalist. I wasn't afraid. I was brave, moving to a city where I knew no one. I walked into orientation on my first day at Emerson with my head held high, excited about the possibilities in front of me. The only problem - I had already changed the course of my time in Boston. I had already met him....someone who will always be considered one of the greatest loves of my life. Unfortunately, however, someone who would more so fit into the Rhianna description of ""The more in love we became, the more dangerous we became for each other, equally as dangerous."

My life became about him and suddenly I wasn't so independent, suddenly I was a lot more shy and nervous than I had been in years. On top of that, the idea of being a journalist became more and more foreign to me. As I learned more about the life of a journalist, the more I decided I didn't want to be a journalist. Still, I had to finish school. Eventually, the dangerous love became too much; we broke up; and a new door was opened. That door was my Bubb. Joe sat next to me on the first day of class on our first day at Emerson. He tried to talk to me, went with me to lunch some, but I was shy - and already involved with someone else.

On our first night of class our second year - Joe talked to me again. This time I was single. This time he got my number. And that's where our "romance" began. It's not a fairy tale. I was broken by the time I got to Joe. It took me months to even agree to be his girlfriend. I would get texts and phone calls from my previous relationship in the middle of the night, and it took me months to learn not only how to ignore them but how to also just turn over and go back to bed. Joe helped with this process. He was always understanding, always loving, always patient. Slowly, it occurred to me that the dangerous relationship had only served to prepare me for this one. Joe gave me everything I deserved - when I least expected it.

But I had regained my independent spirit. I had refocused on my future, and I had plans to move to NYC even if that meant leaving Joe behind. But the economy and of course God decided that wasn't for me. After many many many job applications and several interviews, I realized that NYC wasn't happening. So, although I kept applying I also began applying in other areas - everywhere from CT to MA to RI. But out of all of those jobs, I got one in Mattituck, NY - 15 minutes from where Joe got a job. I also received my job offer, on the 2 year anniversary of his mother's death. He immediately said he believed it was his mother's way of giving me her blessing. To me, it meant we were destined to be here together. We moved in together, and I began my new job - working in an office - doing customer service, marketing, office assistant work - anything you can imagine. And today, I got the call to start doing freelance journalism for Joe's new website.

Somewhere along the way my Bubb, my best friend, emerged. I have no doubt that we'll be together forever. We're already planning our future. But if you had asked me two and a half years ago - if I'd be living in Long Island, working in an office and living with my boyfriend, I would have looked at you like you were crazy.

Isn't it funny where life takes us and how it all works itself out?

Happy Halloween!

2009-10-31T13:28:00.002-04:00

I've never been a super positive person...always a bit of a Debbie Downer...BUT I don't look for the bad in every situation...more so I fear the bad.

I've become increasingly irritated by those who SEEK OUT the bad in every situation. Even if something good is happening....like Halloween for instance, they might say instead...well I'll probably get a lot of candy but then eat too much and feel sick and fat. It's frustrating because in that situation, you want to be like 'no that won't happen' but people with this mindset can't hear that, can't understand that.

IT'S SOOOOO FRUSTRATING. And I feel like I encounter these people every day. There are so many horrible awful things going on in the world - war, terrorism, death, starvation, etc., that how can we really complain because we're bored or lonely or just because we want to? The amount of negativity is really unreal. Are any of our lives really that bad?

From what I've encountered, the people who really do have terrible things happening in their lives, those people are stronger, they don't complain, they work hard...Why can't I work to be more like that? Why can't others complain less?

Revolution

2009-10-05T21:13:00.003-04:00

I wish I was writing more...

Go buy Miranda Lambert's new album, REVOLUTION - as good as everything she does.

This...part of her song "Making Plans" reminds me of me and J.Bubb.

"If I wasn't by your side, I'd never be satisfied, Nothing would feel just right, if I wasn't by your side.

'Cause I'm not easy to understand, But you know me like the back of your hand, I'm your girl and you're my man, And we're making plans...

We can go on and on, Won't ever feel too long, I'll always call you home, And we'll go on and on."

On our first official date over a year ago.

growing up

2009-09-24T22:55:00.001-04:00

Growing up gets harder every day.

updates

2009-09-19T16:30:00.002-04:00

Wow - I've become a terrible blogger since I started working. I find it harder and harder to find time to do anything by the time I get home from work, and this is actually the first weekend I've had off since I started working.

I guess the one thing I've learned is how incredibly hard this economy is on everyone...especially those of us who are new graduates. I've watched basically all of my friends and myself struggle to get jobs. Most of the people who I graduated with in May have yet to find anywhere to work - and we have Master's degrees.

It's so scary not knowing what's out there for anyone. It's scary worrying about things like how to make a rent payment when you don't have any income. And that's what a lot of my friends are doing right now. I feel very blessed to have found work and be in a great area with someone I love.

Right now at least I have health insurance, a job, my wonderful boyfriend, my loving Barnum Bear, and a great home. I am so lucky, and I know things can change day to day but I'm just trying to enjoy it all now.

Catching up...

2009-08-30T17:35:00.002-04:00

This is probably the longest I've gone since I started this blog without writing, and I apologize. In my defense, however, this is probably the busiest I've been since I started this blog. Let me explain...

I had been staying with the bf - my Cesidio - in LI off and on since he moved in mid June. I had been applying for jobs since the beginning of April, solely in the NYC area. Due to whatever reasons, I wasn't having much luck. I had interviews, but no job offers. So, I started scanning the local papers, in Joe's area, and applied to just a couple of things there. Almost everything I applied to called me back. I went in for two interviews in LI and was offered a job at one of the places - I gladly accepted.

It had been my goal this entire time to live NYC, but now I guess New York state was always my destination. As I said, I applied for a ton of jobs in the city, and I have to believe that it's fate/God's will that I be in Long Island, when I got a job there so quickly, twenty minutes from Joey. I also was offered my job on August 4th - the two year anniversary of Joe's mom's passing, and he believes, which is just amazingly sweet, that my getting a job on that day is his mom's way of giving me her blessing.

Since I got the job, I've been so busy - I had to get a car, start moving my stuff from Boston to LI, and of course actually go to work! It's been such a transition getting into a work schedule. I'm exhausted every day - getting up at 7:20, leaving the house by 8:30 and getting home again around 6:30. I try to do my workouts after that, cook dinner, have a couple of hours to myself, and then get ready for the next work day. And although it has definitely been an adjustment, it's also been really fulfilling to be going into work everyday and actually earning myself some money and of course those all important benefits.

My weekends have been packed too. The weekend before I got the job, we went to Cesidio's hometown for his mom's memorial mass. The next weekend, I surprised him by having some of his Boston friends come in for his birthday. The next two weekends I went to Boston - once in a one day trip - to move stuff, and this weekend we are back in his hometown/Boston finishing everything up. It's all been a whirlwind. But my mom is coming to visit on Friday and we are definitely looking forward to that.

So, although, there's never an excuse...here's my excuse for being MIA. I hope everything will settle down soon, and I'll be back to normal and back to here.

Life notes

2009-08-06T20:29:00.003-04:00

Since April I've been applying for jobs, going for job interviews and simply becoming exasperated with the entire process.

Well, as of this week I am officially employed. I officially have a salary, and I have to say - it is such a relief.

I start work on Monday at Kardwell International in Mattituck, NY. The job is kind of a mixed bag of things - I'll be doing some customer service, some administrative work and some marketing for the company. I think it will be a great starter job for me, and I'm just really looking forward to the stability it will provide for me.

After getting the job though, I've been super busy. I got a car, car insurance, clothes for work, signed a lease, etc. I'm exhausted. But it's a new chapter in my life, so I am super excited about that.

what am i supposed to do? where am i supposed to go?

2009-07-29T16:18:00.003-04:00

"God can dream a bigger dream than you can dream yourself." - Oprah

I feel, as cliche as it might sound, that my life is really at a crossroads right now. I've been job searching since the beginning of April - and yes - it does hurt just to even type that. Over the past two weeks, I've been called in for four job interviews. I'm still waiting to hear back from two, one I'm going to on Monday and one I didn't get the job.

Here's the kicker: two of the jobs are publicity related, therefore fitting right into my journalism degree. One of the jobs is not. It's basically just an office job, but it's at what seems like a fun company. The pay would be about the same as one of the other jobs and benefits would be included.

However, I feel like there is an expectation for me to use my degree, to go and do something great, something that Ashley Wilbourn, salutatorian, star student, magna cum laude honors graduate Ashley Wilbourn is supposed to do. I don't feel like a standard office job fits that description.

But what if that job provided me with stability? It would give me a paycheck and health insurance. And I've always said I don't want a job to find my life. And what if I really liked the job, the people, the 9-5 of it all?

I guess none of this really matters too much. If I were offered one of the jobs that fit my degree, I would take it. But if not, would there really be something very wrong with taking a job for right now, riding out the economy and seeing what happens from there?

I'm not sure what my dreams are right now, but I have to think that God has a plan for me and he's going to point me in the right direction - wherever that it.

Dogs - My B-Bear

2009-07-26T23:34:00.003-04:00

So last week when I went in for an interview at Random House in NYC, the man who interviewed me, the publicist for Jon Katz, gave me a book. Throughout the course of the interview, we had been sharing our love for dogs and stories regarding his dog and then mine, so he recommended that I read some of Katz' work.

He gave me the book, "A Dog Year," (soon to be an HBO movie).

Anyway, I started reading it, and I immediately found a passage to which I really related.

Katz writes, "Once in a great while, however, the right person is fortunate enough to get the right dog, to have the time to take care of it, to connect with it in a profound way. It takes a confluence of luck and timing, being at a particular point in life that coincides with the nature, breeding, and disposition of a particular dog."

I guess I should say that I have been a dog person my entire life. I had Taffy, a mixed breed from my grandfather's corgi and various neighborhood dogs, Tucker, a springer spaniel, Missy, a corgi, Lady, a corgi, and now I have Barnum Bear, a cocker spaniel. These dogs, throughout my life, have been my best friends. They've always listened when I needed them to, gave me someone to hug when I felt alone, played with me when no one else would.

I guess I most relate to the Katz quote when it comes to Barnum though. He is by far the best purchase I've ever made. I don't know what I would have done without him the last couple of months. He provides constant companionship for me. He really came into my life at the perfect time. Everything else was changing, and I hate change. I'm moving, looking for a job. Joe already found a job and left. I desperately needed someone around that would be a stable force in my life, who would just love me. Barnum has done that.

And I think he needed me too. He was a rescue dog who was originally a breeder. He's never had a stable life until now. He's never had a loving home, and we love him more than anything. I guess the Bear and I are both pretty luck to have each other.

New style icon...

2009-07-22T14:36:00.004-04:00

So...one of my favorite summer activities is to watch Big Brother on CBS. Now, I'm fully aware that that either makes me a big nerd - which of course I am - or really pathetic - ha.

Anyway, this summer I found my new style icon on Big Brother in Lydia. She's a former nanny and make-up artist from LA. This is her twitter picture:

I've already started wearing my eye make-up like her. I also have a huge desire to make my hair very very blonde, but I'm trying to hold that one in. Anyway, tune in to Big Brother on CBS and check out Lydia's style. She's great!

The Firm

2009-07-19T22:17:00.005-04:00

So I have to admit - I'm a workout freak! In high school, I was always a little chubby to say the least, and I was even bigger after my freshman year of college. Following that, I struggled with my weight issues and somewhere along the way became a gym freak. I'd go to the gym at least four days a week, spending close to two hours in the gym. And, although it felt great to workout, and although I knew I was doing something great for my body, I never got the results I wanted. Then, I finished graduate school, and I lost my access to a free gym. What to do? One answer: THE FIRM.

I'm sure a lot of you have seen the infomercials. If not, go check out the Firm website.

I bought The Firm Transfirmation system, seen here:

The Transfirmation set includes four workouts - Cardio Party, Hi Def Sculpt, Hard Core Fusion, and Cardio Overdrive, and I promise you these workouts are better than ANY trip to the gym. As someone who has spent YEARS working out, running on treadmills, doing the eliptical, lifting weights, I've never been challenged like the Firm challenges me. When I do Cardio Overdrive I literally am beet red, covered in sweat, and breathing ridiculously heavily. I'm so sold on The Firm that I've even joined their website, and as soon as I get a job I'll be buying more DVDs to add to my already 10 DVD set (I own more from years before).

I know I sound like an infomercial here, but I'm so excited. I'm finally get the results I want out of a workout - for less money and in less time! Try The Firm!

*infomerical ends here* :) j/k

life changes

2009-07-13T11:09:00.002-04:00

When I was younger, I really struggled with who I was supposed to be. I didn't know if I was supposed to be like everything else. I always felt like I wasn't, but there was an expectation for me to be that way - popular, super friendly, preppy. I didn't know how I was supposed to be a skinny bubbly blonde who talked about shopping and boys and the parties from last weekend.

Somewhere along the way in college I realized that wasn't the life for me. I realized yes - I am shy, but once you get to know me and I come out of my shell, I am funny and sometimes outrageous. I came to accept my individuality - dressing a little different than everyone else, experimenting with my hair and make-up, having different life goals than everyone else. I began to truly accept who I am and just be ok with me.

That doesn't mean, however, that it doesn't hurt when others don't accept me. I am still painfully shy around the bubbly popular girl. I still am intimidated by those girls and feelings from high school of being unsure of myself emerge. Even though, I'm 24 years old, and I've accomplished most of my goals in life up to this point - Masters Degree from Emerson, Honors Degree from Millsaps, Salutatorian, Star Student, etc. - I can still become the shy high school girl, uncomfortable in her own skin when I'm around the pretty popular girls. I don't know why. I don't know why, even if those girls haven't had the same types of success that I have, I still feel intimidated by them.

I worry that this is something that will plague me throughout my life - that I will always be that shy uncertain girl on the outside. I just wish who I really am, could always emerge.

2009-07-02T19:46:00.002-04:00

I miss him...

You know I love you

What am I supposed to do

I've been here before.

I stay on track.

You're all over the map.

Come back to New York...

From Mandy Moore's Bug...kind of what I imagine Joe thinking about me.

beautiful

2009-07-02T19:37:00.003-04:00

This is the standout track on Eminem's relapse. I was actually listening to it today thinking how much I loved it - especially the first verse.

Now the video is here. This is a rough version and will probably be taken down pretty soon - so check it out or find your own copy :)

RIP MJ

2009-06-26T13:45:00.002-04:00

Ok - so he was a strange man, but he made some of the best music of our generation...

RIP Michael Jackson

Love it

2009-06-09T11:57:00.000-04:00

This is pretty amazing....

it's time...

2009-06-03T18:40:00.002-04:00

Graduation finally happened. I officially have a master's degree from Emerson College. I officially need a job.

More than that, I want a job. I want to move. I want to start the next chapter of my life. I can't wait to begin something new and exciting. Boston has been great, but I can't wait for New York and what waits for me there.

In relation to that, my boyfriend got a job this week in Long Island. He moves next week, which is huge for him. I am so so so so proud of him. He has worked incredibly hard to get to this point, and I know he'll do great there.

Here's the sad part - his moving means that our relationship will be a long distance relationship from now on. We've know this day was going to come. In fact, when we started dating in September I said something to him about it, but there's a different feeling between knowing something is going to happen and it actually happening. In other words, I cried a lot yesterday.

I'm looking for jobs in New York City, and when I move there, we'll only be two hours a part which means we can see each other every weekend if we want to, so that won't be bad. But for right now, it will be a good bit longer than that. Hopefully, it just won't be like that for long. No matter what, it's an adjustment for us. We currently live two blocks from each other, so we see each other all the time, and it's easy for us to go back and forth. That won't be true as of next week - a tough reality.

It feels like this is all part of being newly adult - the trouble that comes with that adult title. Everyone in my life is in jumbles right now. Joe is moving. I am here. I am trying to move, trying to find a job, trying to find a new place to live. Nothing seems secure, and that's something that's really hard for me. I need stability and control, and right now, I just don't have any of that.

Barnum update!

2009-05-25T10:29:00.002-04:00

Here's a Barnum update. We got him a week ago Saturday, and he is great! So sweet, but we're wondering if he was abused. He's very skittish and scared of people and loud noises. Barnum absolutely loves me and Joe though and is getting better everyday.

The Truth???

2009-05-20T18:16:00.002-04:00

So yesterday I found out that my ex-boyfriend who has been seeing the same girl since December, cheated on her two weeks ago. The girl has been living in Italy for the semester and apparently, right before she returned home - literally less than a couple of weeks - he got "lonely" and hooked up with one of his friends. Now, the girl is back, and he has gone home to "deal with his problems."

Here's where this concerns me....

Last summer, when I was still dating this boy, he continued to go home - again to get away and deal with his problems. Not long after this started, he and I broke up. At the time, people asked me, do you think he was going home and cheating on you. Do you think he cheated on you with someone in Boston? And I always said no - I don't think so. I don't think he's that kind of guy. Well, now I'm not so sure. If he could cheat on this girl, who's to say he didn't cheat on me.

Here's what I do know. Two days after this guy broke up with me, he posted a personal's ad on Craigslist...super sketchy. He then promptly started an e-mail relationship with a girl who crocheted owls. He also started talking to a girl back in Connecticut who he had hooked up with in the past. Then, less than three weeks after he broke up with me, he hooked up with that girl. He also started contacting other girls from his hometown who he had dropped communication with while dating me.

Now I guess all of this points to him possibly cheating on me, but I never really believed it until now. If he cheated on his current girl, what's that to say about what he did with me? When I was with him, I was in a constant state of anxiety because I was always catching him in lies, not knowing what to believe. I couldn't trust him at all.

His breaking up with me was literally the best thing that could have happened to me. It was one of the hardest, but it was the best.

But I still wonder....how do you know if you really know a person? And I feel sorry for this new girl. I don't know if she knows or what, but I do know that she doesn't know him like I did. She doesn't know what she's getting herself into with him.

I'm just glad that I've moved on to a wonderful MAN not a boy. A man who loves me, would do anything for me, and who doesn't lie to me.

they're watching...they're watching

2009-05-10T23:02:00.001-04:00

love it...

the delay

2009-05-08T21:55:00.003-04:00

There's been a delay in my writing, but there's a reason for that. I finished my master's this week, and I've been very busy doing it.

I officially graduate a week from Monday, but I am out of school and for all purposes, I am finished.

This semester was like a little piece of hell. I hated Hated HATED Capstone. Going to class was something I literally dreaded, so to get out of that is amazing.

Here's the website we made: www.surviveandthriveboston.com

Now, it's time to get a job. Someone employ me!!! It's a very scary thing, and I honestly just hope it all works out for the best. I'm getting more and more stressed as time goes by, and I still don't have a job. I just keep sending out applications and hoping it all works out.

In other parts of my life, things are going well - great boyfriend and family and friends, steady job, etc. I also ADOPTED A DOG!!!!!!

That's Barnum. He's 3 1/2 and a purebred cocker spaniel. He arrives in Boston on May 16 - one week from tomorrow! I cannot wait!

I'm sure there will be plenty of Barnum updates to come.

Mandy Moore

2009-04-30T21:32:00.003-04:00

Help me out! I just applied for a job here, and I had to submit a post. Please click on the link below. Then, maybe they'll see how many people like what I wrote and hire me!

http://www.shefinds.com/blog/index.php/talk/viewthread/655/

In other news, has any teen pop star ever grown more as an artist than Mandy Moore? I just bought her last album, Wild Hope, and can't wait for her new album. Just listen to "Gardenia."

Tamed

2009-04-26T13:43:00.003-04:00

One of the most famous Sex and the City quotes is:

"Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with them."

I think women typically find some liberation in the quote. It gives the feeling that you may never have to change yourself. That "settling down" may never happen to you. And as much as that idea appeals to me, I think part of growing up is "settling down," growing more routined, being responsible, leaving behind the days of binge drinking and looking forward to a career and a family and a home. I think there can be something really wild/exciting in that idea as well.

But whether one chooses to run wild or to settle down or to have a combination of the two, it's always nice to do that with a partner. And I happen to think men are much harder to settle down. I remember when my sister first married my brother-in-law, everyone talking about how they never thought "Sug" would be tamed. My mom told me that when she had my father first got married, he had to learn how to have a reasonable boys night. Because growing up and settling down, doesn't mean there's not longer any fun. It just means that a boys or girls night may be a few rounds of drinks and hanging out without someone holding your hair back while you throw up.

I feel like now, I'm at the age, where when I'm in a relationship with a boy, we're dealing with the process of settling down - of moving from college party boy to responsible man. I want the guy that I'm with to have fun, to have boys nights, to enjoy himself, but I want him to be able to function at the end of the night. I'm past the point of wanting to listen to slurring words and having meaningless fights followed my mornings of apologies. But it's a hard process to go through. You first have to find a man who is willing and ready to mature and then you have to deal with the actual process of it.

I think a lot of this is just about growing up - a part of that never ending process. It's just a lot to deal with.

things...

2009-04-20T23:32:00.002-04:00

I've decided I really like female singers, with a strong female message....for instance:

1) Ingrid Michaelson - "Starting Now"

2) Miranda Lambert - "Dead Flowers"

3) Kelly Clarkson - "I Do Not Hook Up"

4) Katy Perry - "Thinking of You"

5) Adele - "Hometown Glory"

6) Lily Allen - "I Could Say"

I would say those six are probably the most common artists I listen to these days.

In other news, things I want to do when I get a job and have enough money to live on:

1) Learn to meditate

2) Write a novel

3) Get a dog

4) Get a nice living room tv

5) Decorate my room

...aaahhh....the things that await me in NYC

it's been a while

2009-04-19T13:33:00.002-04:00

My life has become a job search and that's really about it...

In other news, as all of these changes in my life approach - a new city, a new roommate, a new job, no school - I can't help but be sad to leave the person I have come to know this year.

I spent last year - my first year in Boston - falling in love and then not knowing when to say enough is ENOUGH. I spent so many nights crying, so many nights writhing in anxiety because the person I love didn't give me what I deserved or what I needed.

This year I learned how a man really treats a woman. I learned what someone does for you when they really love you, when they really care about you as a person and understand what you've been through.

I have someone in my life now who loves me for who I am - including all of my "problems." He realizes that the scars you left on me are just a small part of who I am, and now, as excited as I am about the next chapter in my life...I'm scared to leave him when I've spent all year learning how to give into someone again after feeling like I must be meant to be alone. But I promised myself after what happened last year, that I wouldn't follow a man again. I'm too independent for that. I just hope it all works out for the best.

new music

2009-04-11T14:35:00.002-04:00

I never really like the first single Eminem puts out. It's always just something super pop oriented to catch people's attention. Once the album comes out and sells a million copies, he puts out the deeper songs that I (and most others) really like him for. Nevertheless, check out the video for his new single, "we made you" on youtube. I can't put it on here because it's all been disabled. I'll definitely buy the album "relapse" when it hits store. We've been waiting too long for new music from him.

Here's a clip of him talking about the video and upcoming album:

He's so sexy.

Dead Flowers

2009-04-06T23:52:00.000-04:00

New Miranda Lambert...oh how I love her...

a thought

2009-04-01T22:00:00.002-04:00

In other news....I'm struggling with the idea of how people come in and out of your life, how one person can mean so much to you, be so central to who you are and what you believe....and then that person is just gone, it's like you don't know them at all anymore. How can you know everything about someone, know them in every way, and then not know them at all?

I had a person like that and now when I look at that person's pictures I feel a mix of emotions - intense sadness for what was lost, a need to question what was ever there, a need to question whether love is fleeting, a despair over a friendship that can't be, a sadness for what that person has become, a love for all that we were together.

I don't know what to make of it all.

the hunt begins

2009-04-01T21:45:00.002-04:00

I think I'm probably entering a very frustrating part of my life. Well, it will either be really frustrating or really soothing.

It is time to begin the job hunt. I will graduate from Emerson in less than 2 months, so it's times for me to make another move and start over once again.

In order to do this though, I have to find a job. Just looking over job postings is frustrating though. What is out there in this terrible economy? The answer....not very much. Here I am with a Bachelor's degree from a great college and a Master's degree from one of the most respected communications colleges in the nation, but will I really be able to find a job?

Who knows? Right now I don't know, but it's time to send out resumes' and cover letters and clips and see if any of the hard work I've put in over the years will actually pay off.

how do you know how to feel?

2009-03-29T16:53:00.002-04:00

I am a mesh of emotions. I'm spent the majority of this blog writing about the pain of my last relationship. Well, I've been in a new relationship for a little over six months. The new relationship helped me move past the old one. It kept me from making the mistake of considering going back. The new relationship showed me what a man could be, how a man who loves you really treats you, how a man who loves you truly accepts you. In the new relationship, my boyfriend has seen me at my very worst, and amazingly, he hasn't run away. He just tries to help me out. He has been incredibly patient with me. I was damaged when we first started dating, and it made me hesitant to commit to anything new. But he put in the necessary work to make me open my eyes to something new.

Now I find myself working on seven months in this new relationship. I am so comfortable in it, and I really absolutely adore him. He met my family this weekend, and they found him as amazing as I do. But it's hard to know when or if it's ok to let go, to let yourself feel again, to love again. When, if you do feel it, is it ok to express it? And if you are just planning to move away and possibly apart from that person should you try to stop it and hold it all in? How do you know how to feel?

new make-up

2009-03-23T18:28:00.004-04:00

mmmmm....new make-up

Thanks to Nylon magazine for the inspiration to get all of this:

New tri-color lip glass, fake eyelashes - the longest they sell! (and of course adhesive) yea MAC!

patterns

2009-03-22T11:44:00.003-04:00

I'm a very patterned person - organized, scheduled, etc. I have a planner, I write out the following day each night before I go to bed. I lay out my clothes for the next day before I go to bed. I follow a ritual of washing my face, taking my medicines, etc. before I go to bed. Any time my ritual is broken or any time the schedule for my day is disrupted, it's like my world falls into a minor state of chaos. I become anxious and often irritable. If someone has plans with me and they back out of them, I can get very angry, essentially throwing a fit like a child.

If I'm used to doing something on a Saturday night and then on one Saturday those plans are changed, I'll be anxious the rest of the day and sometimes into the next. It's something I'm really trying to work on. I try to be agreeable when my plans are changed rather than throw a fit. I try to keep all of my anxious feelings and worries to myself rather than bombarding the other person with them. But it is difficult for me. I know it's all supposed to be a process, that the more I wore on this the better it will get, that eventually it will get better. I just have to remind myself of that, not let it overcome my everything, my day, my life, ugh....

It's a process...

Beautiful Disaster

2009-03-16T22:56:00.002-04:00

This is pretty much what I used to feel like, and the ending explains where I am now.

He drowns in his dreams

An exquisite extreme, I know
He's as damned as he seems
More Heaven than a heart could hold
And if I try to save him
My whole world would cave in
It just ain't right
Lord, it just ain't right

Oh and I don't know,
I don't know what he's after.
But he's so beautiful,
he's such a beautiful disaster.
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter,
Lord, would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster?

He's magic and myth
As strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
But do I try to change him?
It's so hard not to blame him.
Hold me tight
Baby, hold me tight

Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
He's such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster?

I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy hysterical
I'm searching for some kind of miracle
Waited so long
I've waited so long

He's soft to the touch
But frayed at the end he breaks
He's never enough
And still he's more than I can take

Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
He's such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster?

He's beautiful,
Lord, he's so beautiful,
He's beautiful

Love <3

2009-03-14T16:25:00.002-04:00

So...Love...

What is it?

A friend of mine and I have been talking recently about what love is, how it starts, how it feels, if you can tell immediately that the person you are dating is the person you are supposed to be with forever.

My friend thinks that there is usually some sign from the beginning that helps you to know that the person you are dating is absolutely the person you are supposed to be with.

I tend to feel a bit differently. I feel like love can grow, expand, develop over time. I think it is really hard and very rare to meet someone and just know. How can you know when there is so much about that person that you don't know yet?

Now, I do believe that some people are in relationships for no reason at all. A lot of times I feel like people just stay in relationships because they don't know how to get out of them. They've been in them so long, they can't leave.

I also believe that there can be the sign, as my friend mentioned, and it still doesn't work.

Last year, I had that sign. Immediately I knew that the person I was with was the person I was supposed to be with, but that only added more pressure to the relationship. No matter what, I felt like that relationship was one I had to stay in, even if that meant me not getting what I was supposed to out of it or to an even bigger extent being verbally and emotionally degraded.

So is love a sign? Is love a development? Even more so - is love something you can really only have for one person? What is love, and how do you know if it's there?

And finally, after the emotional and verbal abuse, how do you love again?

adulthood

2009-03-11T19:54:00.000-04:00

So it's my last ever spring break -super weird. It's been amazing though. We went skiing in Vermont, and I just got back from Cape Cod.

At the Cape, it was almost like Cesidio and I were playing grown up because it wasjust the two of us. But then it occured to me that we basically are grown-ups or pretty close to it. In two short months we will each have our master's degree. We will each start jobs and move AGAIN.

I've dreaded adulthood all of my life. I love school and have never wanted to graduate. But at the Cape, we came home at night and got out our books and laid in bed and read. I poured a super hot bubble bath and soaked in it. We watched a movie and fell asleep. Is this adulthood? Does adulthood mean that after the 9-5 job you get to come home to someone and relax - read, watch tv, bathe? Instead of coming home from school and working all night on school activities and homework, do you get to choose what you want to do? Before the kids and their busy lives do you get a few years to just be?

If so, adulthood might not be so bad after all.

freedom

2009-03-04T21:31:00.002-05:00

"Since you've gone, I've lost a chip on my shoulder. Since you've gone, I feel like I've gotten older. And now you've gone, it feels as if the whole wide world is my stage. And now you've gone, it's like I've been let out of my cage. "

- I could say, Lily Allen

I love that I was set free.

stress

2009-03-02T21:37:00.003-05:00

There are many things in my life that I am stressed out about right now (several of them are pretty big in fact)...hence the need for a new piercing.

1) I graduate from graduate school in May.

2) I need a job.

3) I need a job with good insurance.

4) I will move from my apartment as soon as I can.

5) I have to find an apartment to move into.

6) I'm in that spot of being kind of over school, but I'm not sure that I'm ready for what's next.

7) I'm in that spot where I feel the need to be grown, but I'm not sure what being grown is.

8) I have some of the best people in my life right now. My collective group of friends from all points in my life, is probably the best it has ever been.

9) I want to open myself to it, but I don't know if I can.

10) Again, I think last year may have broken me to the point where I can't be fully fixed.

phone in a bag of rice

2009-03-01T18:48:00.002-05:00

What a weekend -

This weekend was really fun at times and really really upsetting at others. I went from having a great time, laughing and being with friends to feeling like I was losing my mind.

It's really upsetting to not be able to stay in one place emotionally. I feel like sometimes I'm great, happy, thrilled, loving life. That's how I was Friday afternoon, riding my bike through Boston on a warm day, getting candy at the store, knowing that I had a full weekend ahead of me. That's also how I felt last night, getting dressed up with T, heading over to Cesidio's and meeting some of his friends.

Then it all went downhill, somewhat inexplicably. OK - so I dropped my blackberry in the toilet, but that shouldn't ruin my entire evening. I have insurance on the thing. I went from being great to being absolutely insanely emotional, over the top, not knowing what to do. I know I'm not making much sense on here, but I wasn't making much sense last night either. All I can say is it was out of control and I'm exhausted from it today. The closest explanation would be panic attack. I just hate feeling that way - feeling like a burden to those around me because I'm out of control...ugh.

new piercing!!!

2009-02-27T20:32:00.003-05:00

I love piercings. Today's addition makes seven - the two regular earrings, tragus, rook, regular cartilage, conch, and now belly button!

Step 1: Getting it ready.

Step 2: Putting the needle through.

Step 3: It's done!

make-up!

2009-02-26T00:23:00.002-05:00

So as you know I adore make-up, and thanks to MAC, there's a new line out:

The make-up in use:

Mary Clark will appreciate this and Alisha.

Wii FIt

2009-02-25T11:20:00.003-05:00

I got a Wii Fit for my birthday from my parents, and I LOVE it!

Now, in truth, it may not be the best idea in the world for someone who is already OBSESSED with working out to own a piece of video equipment that allows one to workout at any time they want and to track their daily BMI process. But I love it. It has balance games, aerobics, strength training, and yoga, so in essence, it combines all of the fun of games with all of the struggles of working out.

Honestly, I'm too much of a gym junkie to count on the Wii Fit to keep me in shape. Does it help? Sure. But I need 30 good minutes of cardio combined with at least 30 minutes of strength training to feel like I've had a successful workout. I basically just use my Wii Fit to go along with my other every day workouts. I treat it like I would most of my other Wii games. But I do recommend it - go get one!

welcome back Gomez

2009-02-19T18:10:00.002-05:00

So Gomez gave me a couple of days off, but then he came back at full force, pressing down on me and making me legitamitely not want to do anything at all. He makes me feel worn down and exhausted to no end. Sometimes I really hate Gomez.

I blame a lot of people for Gomez. I blame the person who effected me so greatly last year. I blame the people who continue to place pressures on me. I blame medicine for not working like I want it to, but at the end of the day, I know I have to make this better myself.

When Gomez is trying to hurt me, I tend to shut down, and I tend to want people to come to me and help me and make Gomez go away even if that's not possible. I tend to want the medicine take Gomez away but depending on the underlying circumstances that might not be possible either. It comes down to me at the end of the day. It is up to me to be determined enough to not let the people and things that make Gomez effect me. I have to choose what I want to let effect me and block out the other. Instead of just shutting down when Gomez comes about, I need to shut out the people and things in my life that hurt me so there is no Gomez. If they need to be in my life, they won't hurt me.

so I'm a year older

2009-02-16T01:16:00.003-05:00

23 turns to 24....

23 was kind of a crazy year for me. If I try to place everything that happened during that year in my memory securely I might have an even bigger breakdown than this year has already given me.

I told someone I loved them - something I never do.

I fed a baby cow by the bottle and the bucket.

I gave away a huge gift.

I cried...a lot.

I became so full of anxiety that I literally started to essentially hallucinate.

I found a turtle in my pasture.

I learned to ride my bike in the city.

I got a new piercing.

My addiction to candy became extreme.

I made great new friends in my journalism program at school and at my work.

I got a job at the Boston Herald.

I built a website from scratch in Flash.

I realized even more so how absolutely amazing my family and true friends are.

I lost myself completely.

I wrote lists trying to remind myself of who I used to be.

I learned the true meaning of heartbroken.

I found joy when I started to slowly reemerge.

I met a very serious little gnome named Gomez.

I realized that the Care Bear movie can fix almost anything.

I grew to understand that sometimes there's nothing better than home and a Mississippi summer.

I took a lot of long walks.

I tried to become zoned out all of the time.

I started to be comfortable in my own skin again.

I laughed - really laughed - again.

I recognized that I may never be fully "ok."

I questioned how much of me is probably lost forever.

I tried to let someone else in.

I learned more than I ever wanted to about life and realized that I have to keep learning and want to learn more.

I hated myself.

I loved myself.

I wore a lot of make-up.

I died my hair purple.

I went to a Red Sox game.

I longed to be a penguin.

I ate good food.

I drank good whiskey.

I read - a lot.

I sat in front of this computer - a lot.

Here's to whatever 24 brings. And thanks to my great friends who helped me usher in the new year of my little confusing life.

am i too fucked up?

2009-02-09T23:25:00.002-05:00

Last night it suddenly occurred to me that maybe I'm just too fucked up. I'm wondering if the damage from the last year is going to stay with me forever. For instance, right now I am with this really great boy who I feel like will do anything for me. He understands the damage I come with, accepts the inherited crazy I live with, and manages to stay with me despite my breakdowns. He doesn't punish me for them. Instead, he seems to care about me even more. I know it's not easy for him, but he does it - the difference between a boy and a man perhaps? Anyway, despite his wonderfulness, I sometimes knowingly treat him like shit. I pick fights with him. I yell at him. I'm moody with him. I push him as far away from me as possible, and I think it's because I'm terrified of last year happening to me again. I sometimes think to myself about what this year with him would be like if last year hadn't happened. Would I be such a tumultuous wreck? Yes - some of this I was just born with. Some of it I can't help at all, but some of it is damage - a lot of it is damage - the pushing is damage.

Will I ever reach a point in my life with all of the broken pieces from last year's destruction come back together and make me whole?

conjunction junction

2009-02-08T12:25:00.000-05:00

I think my friends and I have come to an interesting junction in our lives. We, those of us in grad school, are about to graduate and step into the "real world" - whatever the hell that is. What is interesting about this is, everyone is starting to pair off into couples. Over the last few months five of my seven closest guy friends in school have found a girl. Why is this? Is there something in each of us that says grown up world fast approaching must find someone to settle down with - party days coming to an end? That's kind of what it feels like. But does that mean these people everyone settles with are the right people? Or is it even about the right person after all? Is it really just about timing? I don't know. I hope it's the right person - for me anyway - when I choose to eventually settle down, if that day ever comes, I hope it's because of the person, not the time.

Now, I am not judging my friends at all. In fact, I could be included in this group. I love these guys to death. I'm just curious if this is all just by chance or is there some underlying reason for it all...

anxious

2009-02-03T17:03:00.003-05:00

One of my biggest problems this summer - and you know there were a lot if you follow this blog - was my anxiety. What I've come to understand is the people who don't suffer from anxiety, don't understand anxiety. The way I tend to describe it is it's like someone or something is literally sitting on your chest constantly, making it hard for you to breathe. Sometimes I find myself just taking in the deepest breath possible so I don't feel like I'm completely drowning. This summer I was drowning in you and what you were doing to me. I got away from that, and I got better. In truth there were plenty of medications and therapy sessions to help that along, but at least I did get better.

Now it seems like my anxiety is back. It's definitely not to the extreme that it was this summer. Then I was out of my mind. I couldn't control my thoughts or my actions and no one seemed to understand. You didn't want to understand. Now, it's just the breathing. Sometimes Gomez is so strong that I can't breathe, and it makes me cry, and then I don't know why I'm crying so I feel more anxious. Why am I anxious? I have great friends all over the nation. I have someone who says to me even if you are crazy, it's ok. I enjoy my school and my work to an extent. So why Gomez? Why the anxiety? Why is it here again?

blaaaahhhhhhhhh

listening to jenny lewis

2009-01-25T23:40:00.002-05:00

I started this blog as a project - to give me something that was mine because I felt nothing was mine. I needed something to baby and honestly a place where I could write down my thoughts. I'm so glad I have it now, because my thoughts over the last 8 months or so have completely changed. I'm not great, and I'm not sure that I ever will be. BUT compared to me in April or me in May or June or July or August or even September, I'm doing damn good. The progress I've made in climbing out of a really dark tunnel with no light ahead is something that I'm pretty proud of. And as my life prepares to change once again, I can't wait to document it all here - the feelings, the new stuff, the special moments. It's good to look back on. April is just a short distance in the past but the girl I was then would not be recognizable to the people I know now. And thank God for that.

two in one

2009-01-20T15:10:00.003-05:00

Today I want to right about two things, but they are so separate that I'm actually going to separate them. I'll put the most important first:

President Barack H. Obama
Today, as EVERYONE knows, the 44th president of the United States of America was sworn into office. It seems like we've all been hearing about this day for decades, rather than just months. The campaign season for the 2008 election seemed to go on forever and once Obama was elected, the hype leading up to his inauguration was also never ending. With that being said, it is astonishing to know that we are all witnessing history.

I am a student of language and a student of history, particularly African American history, and for both of those reasons I am proud to welcome Obama as the new president of our country. I am one of those people who voted for Bush in '04 and Obama and '08, and thus far I don't regret either of those decisions. Obama is the face of unity and the face of hope for our nation. I sleep in a bed that faces my closet door, and on that door is a poster of Malcolm X. It is his face that greets me each morning when I wake up. At the end of his life, after leaving the Nation of Islam and coming back to America from Mecca, he began to actually work with whites and go against his former preachings of separatism. I think Malcolm would be amazed by this day. To the right of my bed, three framed portraits hang on the wall. They were taken by Eudora Welty of African Americans during the Great Depression in Mississippi. To think about what those people saw, the prejudice and racism they faced, to know that they may have known people who were abused or lynched even for the color of their skin - they must be in Heaven today celebrating the change in America. Finally, at the top of one of the walls in my room, there is a poster of the American track stars who took a stand at the Mexico City Olympic games, bowing their heads and raising their fists in protest against black inequality in America. I know those men are amazed by what our nation and Barack Obama have accomplished. Today is a great day.

My Last Semester
Today I started my last semester of graduate school. I entered preschool at age four, then moved on to kindergarten and elementary school, then junior high and high school before going to Millsaps College in 2003. I graduated from Millsaps in 2007 and moved to Boston soon after to attend Emerson College. Now, it is 2009, and after 20 years of work, I am almost finished with school. Is it exciting? I guess. Is it scary? Definitely. I don't know life without school. I love school. I love the first day of class, buying school supplies, LEARNING! What will my life be like when that is all over? I'm going to meet with a professor this afternoon to talk about my future, and I will soon begin my job search.

I said to a friend the other day, it feels like whenever I get settled in a place, it is time to leave it. I think that is true here in Boston. I finally feel settled here. I have great friends who I adore. I have a good job. I attend a respected school. I've learned my way around the city. In all, I'm really content in life, but most likely, as my last semester draws to a close, I will once again prepare to move, as I did when I left Water Valley for Jackson, MS, and as I left Jackson for Boston. This time, I'll head to a new city, meet new people, make a new life, have to get resettled. But, with no school structure will that mean, this move could be my last? Probably not, but maybe. Right now, I guess it just feels scary knowing that I have no idea where I'll be in six months or what I'll be doing. A new future is out there for me, but I have no clue what it could be. I just hope it all comes together ok.

back to Boston

2009-01-19T00:35:00.002-05:00

Back to Boston - Back to Flowers for Me! - Back to Snow

More insightful things to come...

Leaving home

2009-01-13T21:26:00.005-05:00

Oh man - some new stuff! Sunglasses below:

Make-up carrier/thing. I desperately needed a better thing to hold all of my make-up in, and i got it! Yea!

With that being said, my time at home is up. I'm heading back to the city, and this time it's weird because I can't look at a point in the future where I'll be coming home again. That makes it pretty bittersweet to leave. Home is good - it's home. This summer it was part of what saved me. This time it was different. I've just tried to take it day by day and enjoy it, and for the most part I have. It's good to be around my family, to see friends that are here, to get to rest up. I'm just at this point trying not to think about not knowing when I'll be back again...that will really freak me out.

bright night sky

2009-01-09T20:40:00.002-05:00

I heard on the news that the moon would be brighter tonight than any other night in 2009. When I was walking Lady, I realized it had to be true. The man in the moon was fully visible, and I didn't even need the flashlight I was carrying. It was gorgeous. Everything outside was coated in silver, and I found myself thankful to be at home where I could actually see the moon and the starts instead of being in the city where they are both covered up by lights. It felt like the kind of night where I should have been under a blanket in the back of a truck just staring at the sky. Instead, I'm inside writing this blog.

In other news, in past relationships I've had, I've been made to feel guilty for ever being hurt by the guy I was in a relationship with. If they yelled at me or even made me cry, it was always my fault for being overly emotional, too sensitive, etc. Well, I guess this time it's different. Today I got a letter/e-mail, apologizing. It was like the kind of letters you hear about people getting, but you never get. The kind you imagine guys writing, but they never do. On top of that, I got a song. It fit in with my man on the moon night - something that only happens on special occasions.

I have to admit that I've never seen myself as a romantic kind of girl, a girl that wants flowers and letters and songs and gifts, etc. But now that it's happening, I'm realizing, maybe I did want this all along...maybe I just didn't think I deserved it. Maybe I do...at least somebody seems to think so.

erase

2009-01-07T12:58:00.002-05:00

Do you ever wish you could erase a person - a group of people - from your mind? To stop allowing that group of people to bother you, to get under your skin with their actions and their words? Essentially if they can't really be erased, to at least pretend they don't exist?

I'm going to pretend they don't exist. It's hard with the technology we have today. With facebook, myspace, twitter, etc. It's hard to really get away from people. And yes, you could delete them from your friend list, but let me give you some advice - that would be dumb! Then when you need to know something in the future - how would you figure that out? I've kept up with tons of people through the fb and myspace since I moved away from home - It can be a great tool....but I digress.

The point is - I want to pretend that YOU (group of people) don't exist. I just have to figure out how. If anyone has advice - let me know. Because it's only going to be by ignoring them, that they get out from underneath my skin. They are not a part of my life, so why should they be a part of my mind and body? They shouldn't.

lessons

2009-01-05T15:18:00.004-05:00

Since we're starting a new year, one thing that I'm really thinking about is the lessons that I learned in 2008. In some ways, it was one of the worst years of my life. In some ways, it was one of the best. I think most importantly, I fell in love whole heartedly in 2008, and then I had my heart broken. That entire experience, more than anything else really shaped my year. From that experience I learned many lessons.

1) There's nothing wrong with taking it slow.

- I'm still struggling with how falling in love with someone is supposed to feel. Is it supposed to be this thing where you are so enraptured by the other person that immediately, life just wouldn't be the same without them? Or is is supposed to be this process where you build a bond that is more permanent?

2) A relationship should be an equal partnership.

- I never thought this would be a lesson I would have to learn. I've always been kind of a Ms. Independent kind of girl. I don't want a man, don't need a man, etc. Well, when I found a man, I really liked, it became all about him and nothing about me. I settled for things I never would have previously settled for and didn't feel like I had any control over the relationship. It literally drove me out of mind.

3) Someone who loves me in the right way should never degrade me, make me feel bad about myself, or scream at me.

- Again, this is a lesson that I didn't think I would have to learn, but I did, and I hope it never happens again.

4) Trust is vital.

- I don't know how to really trust anyone. I don't have a whole lot of faith in people. It scares me, but I'm working on it. I did learn this year though, that if the trust in a relationship is really broken, it's done. The relationship will never be the same. For me, I could never get over it.

5) When I'm hurt, I should really feel the pain, embrace the pain, deal with the pain, and move on, working to push the pain outside of me.

- This is a lesson I'm still working on. Hopefully, it'll help me in 2009.

With that being said, what's a new year without a little more Ingrid Michaelson. I love this video and song.

Happy New Year!

2009-01-02T16:13:00.003-05:00

Here's to 2009! Thanks to you guys who follow my blog. It's been a crazy year. I'm thankful for the ridiculous amount of lessons I was forced to learn in 2008 and the many more that I am certain are on the way in 2009.

Hope your New Year's kiss was as good as mine!

make-up

2008-12-29T16:16:00.003-05:00

So I get a lot of questions about my make-up. I typically wear a lot of it - not in the traditional overwhelm your face to cover yourself up sense - but in the sense that I really really really like to essentially paint my face, make art out of my face. People usually either tell me that they like it, ask how I do it, why I do it, or say, but you're pretty naturally. So, with that being said, I do it because I love it, and below, is how I do it - eyes:

Step 1: Plain face (if I was doing more than my eyes for this I would already have on base and bronzer)

Step 2: Put on the first coat of eyeshadow (today's color - black)

Step 3: Put on second coat of eyeshadow (today's colors are white on top to heighten the black and a dark silver over the black to make it more visible and shiny)

Step 4: Eyeliner (my favorite - I do half the eye on the bottom in a thin stroke and then a thicker stroke over the whole eye on top. I sometimes carry it over and up about a quarter of an inch on each side.)
Step 5 (final): Mascara and (if I'm in the mood - glitter) (Today's glitter is silver and the mascara is the new Revlon? stiletto mascara)

Finished eyes!

Happy Holidays!

2008-12-28T15:10:00.004-05:00

So I took a little Christmas break, but now I'm back. It's been a great holiday season in my hometown. I flew home, thankful to be finished with school for the semester. I actually had a really successful semester, finishing with a 3.7 gpa despite it being my hardest/busiest semester so far at Emerson. My sister and her husband were at home with us this year for Christmas, so that was nice. My big gift this year was a Wii, and Christy and Michael gave me guitar hero, so we've spent a lot of time doing that. I also got to see my very best friends from home - Kara, Sara, and Chris, so that was nice too.

One bad thing did happen over the holidays - the store I work at - Sugar Heaven is closing until at least April. Since I graduate in May and will start looking for a real job then, there's no point in me going back to Sugar Heaven, so I'm pretty bummed about that. I have great friends there, and I've loved the job. It's also really disappointing to be dropped so quickly from a job I've been at for a while. I wish our owner had given us more notice.

Anyway, here's a pic of us enjoying the Wii. Check out my new hot pants too.

dog

2008-12-21T02:21:00.001-05:00

I'm currently begging for a dog - any dog. In fact, I've asked that the person who I'm begging just go to the shelter and pick out one. It will have all of its shots and be spayed/neutered. It will be wonderful. And with this special, wonderful boy gets me this wonderful dog (which I know he will), I think it will go something like this:

miranda

2008-12-17T01:35:00.000-05:00

busy girl

2008-12-15T13:00:00.001-05:00

So I know I've been slacking with this, and I thought I should at least offer an explanation why: my life.

I'm in finals week. I'm building a website right now which will feature all of my journalistic goodness - yea! It's not an easy task. I'm also writing a 3,000 word feature profile with people are increasingly hard to get in touch with. Blah. I just hope it turns out. I have a 50 question Law and Ethics final to take, and I have to read a book then do the extra credit assignment too - double blah.

So, when all of that slows down, I'll have time to write more. Quick life update: I was hired by the Boston Herald Sports Department - fucking sweet. The main bitch whore in my life has been taken care of.

girls

2008-12-08T18:29:00.003-05:00

Life shifts a lot, and I find myself wanting to explain it somehow on here - the way I'm not who I was five months ago, and the way I'm so really really excited by that FACT. Five months ago, I never would have put myself where I am now. I would never have imagined that I would be able to make the decisions I've had to make this week and be able to make the right choice.

In other news, I have a new type of girl I hate: bitch whores. If you need a definition, it's the girl that know that a guy is taken and then repeatedly tries to take them away from their current involvement...for instance they ask them on dates to shows, meet them at concerts etc. Even after seeing the guy with his real girl - the bitch whore continues to go after him and ask him out repeatedly, even when the guy says no. This makes her a bitch and a whore, therefore giving her her name.

Seriously though, where did girl code go? If a guy is taken, when did it become ok to ask them out anyway? When did it become ok for a girl to see a guy with the girl he's with and then promptly ask him out the next time she sees him? I've never encountered girls like this before, but it's infuriating. I'm just not sure when/where it became ok.

no time

2008-12-03T09:54:00.001-05:00

I'm jam packed with stuff this week and the next few weeks to be exact - trying to finish out the semester. I have had time to fall in love with Rihanna's new single "Rehab" though. It's below.

personal essay

2008-11-27T00:33:00.003-05:00

So I decided I would try something new on here. I'm in school for journalism, and I've always been a big fan of the personal essay, so I've decided for practice and for fun, I'll write a short personal essay from various segments of my life and put it up on here. So, here it goes...I'm sure some will be better than others.

I'd been looking forward to the night for months. It was my first summer in the city, and I desperately wanted to see real fireworks - big, bright, multi-colored displays of light that would fill up the night sky, and I wanted to see them with him, wrapped underneath that night sky, happily together.

I spent the day working before anxiously returning to the home he and I seemed to share. For the last few months I'd been anxious before coming home, not knowing what kind of place he would be in and therefore we would be in. Walking through the door I kissed the top of his disheveled hair and waited for a response...any real, loving response. It didn't come. I realized what kind of night this was going to be, and I walked to the living room to take my place on the couch.

Time passed slowly as we waited on night to fall, so we could walk to the fireworks show. I kept waiting for signs that things would get better. I wanted his attention so desperately I literally found myself reaching out to him, hugging him in the middle of Asian food courts, in hopes that he would look at me with those eyes that I loved and really hug me back. When we began our walk to the show, he didn't take my hand like normal. In fact, he seemed to want to walk in front of me, or behind me or too far away from me for any such thing to be possible. It became clear that he didn't want to touch me and with that it became clear that this wasn't just one of those nights. This was the end...maybe it wouldn't happen on the fourth of July, but I knew it was coming.

As we walked I would try to get closer to him, and I would sometimes literally reach out and grab his hand and hold on to it, force him to hold on to me, to our relationship like it was saving me from drowning, but he kept letting me go, pushing me further into the overwhelming current of destruction. We got to the show, and I waited for the night to become better, for him to fulfill this idea I had of my first fireworks display in the city, over the water, with my boyfriend. He never did. He reached away from me. He ignored me. He was finished with me. After the show we began to walk back. Again, I foolishly reached for him, knowing that it was a masochistic move. I began to tremble from his detachment and from the cold New England wind. He wore a long sleeve shirt but refused to give it to me for a while. Again, I knew I was a fool. I knew that it, that we, were just a matter of time as we got back home, and I hated myself for continuing to reach for him.

circling

2008-11-24T19:38:00.002-05:00

I'm home again for the first time since this summer - the torture of this summer, and honestly, I can't believe where I am now in relation to where I was then. Then, I was crying every day. I was thinking constantly of the person I blamed myself for losing, a relationship I felt at the time was a gift to me. I didn't know then how I would function without him in the city. I knew I had to go back, although the option was given to me to stay in Mississippi, escaping the life that I had made solely with him.

I returned to Boston in mid August, and I have to say that things have been better than I could have ever expected. I'm not sure I knew how far away from myself I had gotten. It wasn't just the physical changes - the lack of make-up or originality in my clothing. It was the personality changes as well. I had lost the ability to be outgoing with people I didn't know. I was quiet, shy, constantly anxious...kept. I hated myself for it, but I refused to acknowledge that my relationship was a big part of the problem.

Now here I sit - physically - I wear whatever I want. My make-up expresses my feelings for that day. As I tell people, it's not an attempt to make myself more beautiful. It's my opportunity to paint a picture every morning...to be expressive. I'm tan again also which I love. I have a new piercing, and I'm changing my hair color AGAIN tomorrow. On the inside, I'm outgoing again. I laugh again. I'm good at work. I'm good at school. I enjoy what I'm doing in both places. I've made new friends and developed closer relationships with the people around me because I'm not scared to open myself up them.

In fact, I'm more open to a lot of things, and slowly, painfully, and kind of awkwardly I'm opening myself up to something entirely new...

moving on

2008-11-17T14:49:00.002-05:00

Everyone has to move on sometime. That's what I keep telling myself anyway, and I have - moved on that is. I didn't have an option, and it was hard and awful and painful, and it was good and fulfilling and needed.

It's weird to have shared a significant portion of your life with someone - a meaningful portion and then to cut it all off - to go from loving them completely to not knowing what you're supposed to feel exactly, just knowing that they're gone for good.

I don't even know what to write. I just felt the need to. I hate when I think about this shit. I hate that the memory of what will never be - what (to logical and healthy me) I never want - bothers me. I'm done - have been done, but it's weird for it - you - to be done.

i gave in...

2008-11-17T00:35:00.002-05:00

....to Twilight!!! Since the movie is coming out on Friday and since everyone is talking about it. I bought the first book of the series and OMG it really is that good. I'm only like 100 pages in, but I see why people are obsessed with it. I keep wanting to get back to reading about the vampires - ha. Which makes sense...I was obsessed with Buffy in HS - particularly Buffy and Spike - Bad vampire guy - good girl.

Here's a nice little Spike thing off youtube btw...

bitches

2008-11-13T09:56:00.003-05:00

I used to be a huge bitch, mostly in junior high, and to an extent, I still can be. I know how to play the game. I kind of have a naturally mean looking face anyway, so when I want to give someone a death stare, I can. For example, when walking down the stairs at my apartment, if I see someone I really dislike, who I know has said some pretty mean things about me for no reason, I can give her a look that makes her want to scurry out the door as fast as her little mouse legs and horse face can go. But that's besides the point...

What I'm talking about are girls who are 22-25 and still act like they are 12-15. We're not in middle school anymore ladies. Not that anyone's bitchiness directly affects me, it's just that I like to think we're beyond that at this point. Is it necessary to giggle constantly at other people's expense? Is it necessary to talk shit about people you barely know? Is it necessary to pass notes or say something under your breath so your friends will think you're cool? I don't think so. Have some balls - say it aloud. That's what I do. I guess I shouldn't care if the whispers aren't about me or whatever, but I just think it's really dumb. I hated girls like that in junior high, even when I was one of them. Why, at this age, should it still be going on?

If someone has done something really awful to you, like the girl I used in the example above, that's one thing. Bitch like behavior might just be justified - especially if they have a horse face, but it's not justified on a daily basis just for the sake of being a bitch.

And yes, I realize this post is full of contradictions.

oh what a day

2008-11-10T20:54:00.008-05:00

oh how i love ingrid michaelson

Here's an picture from her concert in Boston. She's amazing live, and I bought her newest album "Be Ok" today.

Here's a youtube video of her performing. You can see a lot of her live stuff there. It's amazing. I recommend you check it out.

Oh what a day is today
Nothing can stand in my way
Now that you've shipped out from under my skin
I think I'm ready to win

Oh what a night is tonight
I think I'm ready to fight
Now that my broken bones all have been healed
I think I'm starting to feel

Something good
Something good
Now that you're gone I can roll on to something good

Oh what a way that we die
Plenty of tears were supplied
My eyes are wrung out and dry as a bone
And I taste much better alone

Something good
Something good
Now that you're gone I can roll onto something good

Oh you know I moved away
From the other side of the door
I don't have to wait anymore for you to come home
Something good
Now that you're gone I can roll on to something good
Something good

obama

2008-11-06T23:31:00.001-05:00

yes we can

2008-11-05T02:55:00.003-05:00

People don't always get this about me, but I've studied Civil Rights and African American history pretty heavily over the last six years or so. It's one of my main topics of interests, and I'm compelled by the African American dream. So, to watch a biracial man (who in America is deemed black) win the White House less than forty years after my high school was integrated is amazing. My parents went to an all white high school, and now we have a biracial president.

Outside of that, it's time for change. No matter your party affiliation (I try not to stick to one, but I traditionally vote Republican), you have to admit the last few years have been rough. We're in a war we can't seem to get out of, our economy is terrible, and we're hated by the world. It's time to try something new - a new idea - time to make a change. Tonight, we did.

Yes we can.

election day

2008-11-04T10:22:00.002-05:00

I haven't posted in a minute because I haven't had time, but today is election day, and all I can ask is that you vote.

It's time for change.

Get to the polls.

Thanks.

More later.

little buddy

2008-10-27T00:56:00.003-04:00

This summer I wrote on here and put pictures up of me with my cow, Little Buddy. His mother died after she gave birth to him, and my family raised him - bottle fed him, etc. - to give him what he needed. He grew up lot over the last four to five months, loved his bottle, learned to eat grass, loved humans, and slowly cows.

Last week, Mama called and said he was looking thin, but they had seen him eating (he's too old at this point to bottle feed). Then, Mama called on Saturday to say Daddy found him dead in the pasture. Daddy is really upset about it - we all are. He was more of a pet than anything else, and we honestly, don't know what happened to him.

Anyway, here's a picture of him this summer, working on his bottle.

He was the sweetest boy, and we all miss him a lot.

another carrie bradshaw moment

2008-10-21T22:52:00.002-04:00

So, again tonight I got to thinking about relationships. I was at work, doing a little facebook stalking - per usual - and I got to looking at pictures of friends, who like me, have gone through a recent break-up after a long term/serious relationship. When I was looking at these pictures though, I couldn't help but think about how much happier/freer they all looked now, compared to pictures of them when they were in their relationship. And maybe I'm reading to much into it, but is there something about being in a relationship that takes a part of us away, that eliminates part of our freedom, leaving us with this small emptiness (despite the fullness the relationship brings) that can only be replaced by being single once again (despite the pain of being single again)? I know that for me, the freedom of being single again has been really shocking. At first it was this terrible awful thing to not breathe for someone else - and maybe that was the problem in the first place. But then it became this liberating thing. I slowly began to feel pieces of myself coming back into place. I laughed again - like Carrie after the Big wedding fiasco. I wore my clothes, my make-up, flirted with EVERYONE. Essentially, I was the me I'd always been - just free. So, in looking at these pictures of my fabulous friends, I just couldn't help wondering if they've felt the same thing. Are we really freer? Are we really better?

life throwing you around

2008-10-21T00:23:00.002-04:00

I had another good weekend - drinks, fun, friends. But then....

I found out on Sunday afternoon that one of my very best friends from college was diagnosed with a brain tumor. It's non cancerous, but it still hit me really hard. I keep thinking she's 23 years old, and she's dealing with this huge scary thing - looking her hair, having this thing cut out of her, not understanding why this is happening. It's devastating, and I know she's scared, but she's also so strong, and I love her, and I have faith that she'll be ok.

It just seems so huge compared to all of my/our other little issues.

boys

2008-10-14T23:31:00.003-04:00

So you know how People does a Sexiest Man Alive thing each year? I, in my boredom/procrastination decided to do a Candy Rain Chocolate Umbrellas version. Here's my top five male celebs:

1) Eminem - first and foremost - my love...

2) Rajon Rondo - Celtics point guard - cutest thing ever...

3) Lil Wayne - cause no one has a swagger like him...

4) Prince Harry - a little big of a change of pace, but I love bad boys...

5) Tiger Woods - amazing athlete and a family man all in one - :)

Alright - that's it. Hope you girls (and guys) appreciated it. :)

nothing like the smell of a shirt

2008-10-13T02:14:00.001-04:00

You weren't there, you never were. You want it all, but that's not fair. I gave you love. I gave my all. You weren't there.

You let me fall.

The lyrics just connected. It just fits. I fell.

boston

2008-10-10T12:45:00.002-04:00

So, it's strange, but I'm finding that I'm starting to like Boston more and more. (I know, I know, TT). It's just that last year, I never got into the mode of making the city my home or even my own. I saw the city through someone else's eyes. I never even learned how to walk from the Boylston T stop to the Arlington T stop. I had someone to guide me there - why learn?

Beginning this summer, I started to meander through the city on my own. I'd walk from Boylston to Kenmore, spending time in the Public Garden, stopping in the stores on Newbury Street, gazing at the Phyllis Wheatley statue on Comm. Ave. Slowly, this walk became mine, and I began to learn more about Boston. Now, I have a bike, so the city is even more open to me. I get to avoid the T on a daily basis, and I know the streets and the traffic and it feels like it's mine.

I think working on Newbury has opened things up to me even more. I see the tourists and the citizens of the city. I direct people. I help people, and it makes me feel more like a citizen of this strange place.

I don't know. I guess part of it is I'm on my own now, and I've been here for a year and I'm starting to love it. I feel like myself and in finding myself again, it's like I've found Boston too.

so i started to think about relationships...

2008-10-06T21:08:00.004-04:00

I got a new piercing today! Check check check it out:

It's the lower one - the conch piercing. I loves it :)

Outside of that, I've been watching a lot of Sex and the City lately - thinking about how it applies more and more to my life as I unfortunately continue to age and approach adulthood. I've also been working with several of my friends (and myself) on detachment from people in our lives that seem to have a negative effect on us. It's like Carrie and Big for all of us, and by Carrie and Big I specifically mean the Season 3 version - not the happy end of the movie version. I mean, the Big is married to someone who is not you. You're finally happy with someone new or at least trying to move on with your life, but oh wait, here comes Big again with his married self trying to get in your way version. Carrie knows the whole time she should stay away from Big, but has a hard time doing it, and it essentially leads to some form of disaster for her (at least at first). What my friends and I are trying to avoid is the ever letting Big back in thing. We're trying to just cut him/her loose and move on. It's a struggle for some more than others, but it's definitely a work in progress, live and learn kind of thing.

Outside of detachment from the pain causing one, I've been thinking a lot about the detachment the pain causing one forces you to have with the next possible someone. It's like the pain of that first experience forces you to possibly cut off any good experience in the future. Unless it's with the most patient accepting person ever, does the detachment make anything more than just something fun impossible? Does it leave you not wanting anything more?

in order

2008-10-03T01:07:00.002-04:00

My life is pretty in order right now which is pretty fucking amazing. If you ignore the fact that I'm not sleeping at all - about 5 hours a night now for about 2 weeks straight - things are pretty great. I'm on track with my school work - grades are good so far. Work is going really well. I think I'm finally getting used to this whole keyholder thing. My family is great. My old friends are great, and I've met new people, and that seems to be going pretty well too.

I seriously have been happier than I've been in a while - more fulfilled, more myself.

I'm also seriously considering getting a tattoo. I have it all planned out and designed, but I know several things: 1) my parents would kill me 2) it will not look as great when i age 3) i may hate it when i get older.

I also think though that I could always get it removed if I needed to. It means something to me, so why would I hate it? Either way, I'm going to think about it for a while before doing anything.

We'll see...

that girl

2008-09-29T01:29:00.003-04:00

So, I got off of work tonight and got on the B line to head home, but as I walked through the doors of the train, there was this girl sitting there in one of the single seats. She was a cute girl - brown hair, nice outfit, flip flops, cute headband, but her face was red; her eyes were swollen; I could tell she'd been crying for a while. I sat down and put on my ipod, but I kept looking over at her. As the train drove on, she laid her head against the side panel and fell asleep, and seriously, all I wanted to do was be with that girl, go to that girl, comfort that girl.

I have been her on so many occasions this summer. The day after Eric and I broke up, I had to open the store. I cried as I sold people their candy, made cotton candy, checked out orders. I once had to go to the bathroom and just seriously fall on my knees in tears - no exaggeration. I vividly remember walking down Newbury Street and crying behind my giants sunglasses and going to Upper Crust to eat and crying while trying to make myself finish a slice of pizza. I remember being on a jam packed train on the way home at night in tears and feeling so fucking alone and not knowing where to go or what to do next and just crying and feeling the judgment of everyone around me. I'm not that girl anymore. Sure, there are shards of her broken glass still inside of me and occasionally they'll cut through, but for the most part, she's completely shattered.

But the girl on the train tonight, it was like seeing a mirror image of me this summer, and I felt so much for her. I don't know what she had going on - boy issues, family issues, life issues in general. I just know that she had enough going on to have a red, swollen tear streak faced and to have cried herself to the point of exhaustion. I just wanted her to know it would get better. It is better.

whoa...

2008-09-27T22:20:00.002-04:00

my weekend:

the end.

lovin' it

2008-09-22T00:15:00.002-04:00

So I post a lot of Sugarland on here, but the fact is - they're just that good.

"Come on Get Higher" is on the deluxe edition of their latest album. It's a Matt Nathanson's cover, but honestly, their version is much better than his.

Here it is:

In other news, I feel more like myself than I have in so long. I was sitting in bed tonight doing some homework, and I was like...what's that feeling? Is that happiness? Do I feel happy? Independently happy? It's something I've wanted for so long and haven't felt in ages. To feel it for no real reason at all, just on a night where I'm kind of lounging around, was so validating. I'm not stupid, I know every day of the week, I'm not going to feel happy, but I also know this isn't just a fleeting feeling. It's something that's been building. I'm still going to be anxious at times....maybe a lot. I'll just take this happiness where I can get it though...at least for a while.

my week

2008-09-18T19:54:00.002-04:00

My life is not my own....for reals yo. I belong to the Emerson College Journalism department and Sugar Heaven. Seriously, let's just take yesterday for example:

After going to bed at 2:30, I got up at 9:30 and left for Emerson at 10:15. I went to the Emerson library at 10:45 to start working with Flash. I was there until noon which is when I went to my first class of the day. I was there until 2. I had a doctor's appointment on the other side of town at 3 and went back to Emerson at 4. I worked out and then went to class at 6. Got out of class at 9:30 and went to the lab to do schoolwork. Then, left for home at like 11.

WTF!!! and my days have been like this all week. Craziness.

In other news, here's a pic I did for class which I really like.

kerli

2008-09-15T21:55:00.001-04:00

if you're not listening to this girl, you should be. Here's her video for "Love is Dead," the title track off of her album. The video's really creepy, and I love it.

lazy Saturday

2008-09-13T16:39:00.002-04:00

Starting school has kept me jam packed busy this week. It's been good but difficult to balance everything from new classes and school work to a full work schedule while also learning all of my new responsibilities there. It's all been kind of crazy, and I've had multiple 12+ hour days outside of the house, but it's also been good.

I've always been the time to love the organization of a school schedule, of having a syllabus to plan the future with. The fact that this is my last school year for a while is kind of crazy, but I also discovered this summer that I love the organization of a work schedule as well. I think I just love organization.

I get really antsy sitting at home for a full day, even if I'm doing stuff. Today for instance, I have Saturday off of work. It's basically a miracle. I never get a full Saturday off of work. I got to sleep in this morning and watch football this afternoon, but I can feel my body screaming, 'do something!' 'move!' 'be productive!'. It makes me wish I was a bit lazier, I guess. I'd love to

lay in bed all day and do nothing, but it's not my style. Actually, today, I'm laying in bed and doing homework - fun times! Tonight - going out maybe?

This post is pretty boring. oops...

end of summer

2008-09-09T20:48:00.002-04:00

So, tomorrow I start school again....fall semester. When I got out of school in the spring, I was so excited, couldn't wait, needed the break, and I had a full summer planned...a summer I was excited about.

With that being said, this was not at all the summer I expected. It was probably the hardest summer of my life or one of them (Europe being the only thing comparable). This summer I struggled through intense anxiety. I had my heart broken, shredded, ripped apart. I cried on an almost daily basis. I felt completely lost.

On the other hand, this summer I got to spend around six weeks at home with my family, on my land, with my pets. I got to be with my friends from high school and college and love them and realize their immense importance in my life. I got to spend lots of time with my family and realize exactly how lucky I am to have a family that says, 'You know what, you're getting on the plance and coming with us.' I got to watch a baby cow grow up and have the experience of feeding him by hand and playing chase and losing a class ring to him - ha. I got to see that Water Valley's maybe not the hell I thought it was. For the last month I was home, it was a comfort. I came to love walking into the Sprint Mart to get food in the morning and hearing, 'Mornin' darling. How are ya?' to going to Turnage's in the afternoon to get my crushed ice and seeing a familiar face. I came to love going home at night and just sitting in the back yard. There was at the time a part of me that was so immensely sad and Water Valley, the people there - family, friends, strangers - helped heal that a little bit.

One afternoon, I think it was a Sunday, it stormed really bad in Water Valley. But it was one of those wonderful summer storms when the wind and darkness comes before anything else, and so I sat on the back porch, with Daddy beside me, holding Lady in my lap, watching the trees sway with the power of the wind. I felt the cool darkness coming in. I felt my own sadness (as dramatic as it sounds) match the storm, and I loved it. That moment could have lasted forever. Instead, we just lost power for three hours.

This summer I also realized how much of myself I'd lost in the last year. I came to Boston as a girl with a one track mind - the mind I had in college - accomplish, accomplish, accomplish, be great. My mind became love him, find my way, accomplish something, love him some more, love myself. I don't know how it got to be that way. All I know is that I've been working to fix it, and I can feel parts of myself coming back now, and it feels amazing.

I've been back in Boston going on a month now, and it's really been ok. I was terrified to come back, and yeah, sometimes it sucks. Sometimes I feel so worked up and so anxious that I might explode, but I've seen that I have some really good friends here. Friends that care about me and want to go to the beach and to see Mama Mia and to eat Filipino food and just hang out in my room at night. I've had fun - at times more fun that I had in all of last year. I also have learned more about the city than I learned in all of last year, and that's really exciting too.

So basically, summer has been a mixed bag. Things happened that needed to happen. Things happened that hurt really really bad, but honestly, it's taught me so much - to appreciate the wonderful friends and family in my life, to value and to hold on to who I am as a person. and to take advantage of the opportunity Emerson and Boston are for me. Also, I know that no matter what I'm lucky in regards to everything. I fell in love - whole heartedly, and yeah, it hurt to lose that but at least I got to love right??? Isn't that what everyone wants.

So here's to a new year in Boston and a song to wrap it all up:

i have to

2008-09-07T01:14:00.002-04:00

It's definitely not what I wanted, but it's what has happened. It doesn't make it easy, but it's what I have to do. I have to, have to, have to...

hurt

2008-09-04T23:54:00.003-04:00

I wish it didn't still hurt sometimes. It doesn't hurt all of the time or even most of the time but sometimes it just wells up inside of me, and I miss it....whatever it is. My life now is so different than it was just two months ago or even three months ago or four months ago. Everything has changed, and there's really no simple response to that change. Part of it is very good and very necessary. Part of it means that somewhere along the line I lost something that's not coming back. It's the moments when that's most apparent that the hurt comes. I don't want the life that I had before, but I hate the divorce of it all...I hate splitting the time between friends and the awkwardness of it. I hate not being able to go where I want to go or be who I want to be with because that might mean that we're together and that might or might not be awkward for us and for the people around us.

I think everybody, when a relationship ends, doesn't just miss the relationship, but also the friendship and the companionship that that relationship was built on. There was a lot of laughing, sharing, hanging out, and in general good times mixed in with everything else that was a part of us, or I guess, most relationships. It's that part that kills me. The gap that the dissolution of the relationship leaves there. I hate it. I hate that fucking gap. I want it filled, and I want it gone but that's not possible...not immediately, maybe not ever. But I try, and sometimes it seems like it's in vain, to fill it with other things outside of that friendship. I fill it with work, with new friends, with old friends, with books and projects, with school, movies and tv, with family, with everything. But even on a full day that fucking gap persists. Damn it.

aaaaahhhhhh

2008-09-02T13:18:00.002-04:00

Do you ever get through like a week or something and have absolutely no idea what day it is, what's been going on, etc.? That's been my week/weekend really. It's not that anything too crazy has been happening. It's mostly that I've been too busy to even remember what day it is. I got promoted at work! yea! But that also means I've been working A LOT! I've been going out with friends which is always good and fun, but it also means dealing with the repercussions of going out, and I've just been living, dealing with being back in Boston, facing things and questions I don't know that I'm ready to face, making mistakes and learning to live with them, learning a lot about life, and missing my favorite tv shows! haha....important things in life.

I don't know. This is my last week before school starts, and I'm one work day down, three to go. I want to just have fun, get really organized and ready to start school. Basically get my life together.

assholes

2008-08-27T21:36:00.005-04:00

It's interesting: three of my closest friends have been going through a similar situation in regards to their respective guy. In each of the situations the guy fed the girl lots of 'I love you's' and made the girl feel really pretty great. Then one day they left and in each one of the situations, the guy did something really shady, basically involving another girl. Then they lied about it repeatedly. So, this kind of leads me to ask, and forgive me if you are a good guy that is reading this and please feel free to respond, but are all guys liars? Are all guys assholes? Do all guys plan a way to hurt you as much as possible, or are all of my friends and I just meeting the wrong guys? Or is it an age thing? Are guys in their early 20's just too self consumed to be anything other than what can only be described as a really big jerk. I mean, it's a really messed up thing to even have to ask, but after a relationship where I was completely in love, a relationship a gave my all to, followed by a break-up where I really did get fucked over, it's the only thing I know to ask. So, answers are appreciated. If you're reading this and have one, please share.

In other news, I've gotten a lot of stuff over the last month. Here's a glimpse:

Break up gear because every girl needs some:

bike!

2008-08-25T23:14:00.002-04:00

I got a bike today! It's used. I bought it from an older man who had fixed it up in his spare time. I just switched out the bar tape in it, but anyway...very excited. Here's a picture:

satisfied

2008-08-24T21:42:00.003-04:00

I would be a complete liar if I said I wasn't scared to come back to the city. I got here on Sunday, (a little earlier than expected thanks to a very nice gentleman), and was legitimately surprised when I made it through the day ok. I was scared to face the things I left, to essentially start over in this city that seems so big and all consuming sometimes. I was scared that I wouldn't really be able to find my place.

With that said, it's been only a week, but I already feel so reassured about the year to come (with much thanks going to my friends in the city, friends that I oftentimes neglected over the last year). My schedule, since getting back, has been jam packed. From getting settled again on Monday to working constantly - about 35 hours this week, to going out with friends - drag queen shows, sushi and Filipino food, lunch at Uno's, Mama Mia at the movies - it's been crazy. It's also been really good though. I haven't had time to really stop and dwell on everything that was and will never be again.

Now, that's not to say there hasn't been drama. There has been plenty. I've been hurt even more than before, but I've also come to realize that my happiness and my satisfaction will come, is coming, has come partly this week. I'm satisfied with the bracelet I bought tonight at 7/11 - what a find! I'm satisfied with my work, with my friends, with school coming back, with my body and how hard I've worked to get it like this. There's no way that I'm completely where I want to be. I'm still healing, I'm still dealing with the pain of losing the one person I've ever really really loved, but I can officially say I'm getting there and making big strides. That is really really satisfying.

perspective

2008-08-22T15:41:00.003-04:00

A good friend of mine once told me that the majority of people you meet have something going on with them....a lot of the times something major. Everyone has problems, and everyone is dealing with things that are hard and painful. It's up to everyone to take care of themselves and deal with their own issues - if that means talking to friends or to a counselor or just being active to work on and solve your issues DO IT.

I've had a really hard last month and a half dealing with a break - up. I've had a really hard last four months dealing with personal issues, but I will say that I've taken active steps each day to get better. I don't just sit and dwell in my problems. I don't just try to push them away. I try to get better, and it is so frustrating to see people who don't - people who would rather wallow in their problems and lie to friends and hurt everyone around them.

I never understood lying. I understand honesty, even when it hurts. I understand caring about people and loving people enough to not hurt them. I don't understand self destruction.

I can't deal with liars. I can't deal with people who purposely hurt others. I'm done.

i love her

2008-08-18T23:58:00.002-04:00

ashlee simpson is my favorite, and I'm not afraid to admit it. ESPECIALLY with this baby bump - how cute! love the red hair too - kind of want mine to be that color. here's a new pic:

love it

2008-08-14T23:41:00.003-04:00

Love Love Love Miranda Lambert. I've heard it stuff before, and I've heard this song before, but now I'm at the point where I just have to get the album. It's called Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, and it won Album of the Year at the ACMs this year. Here's her performing live "Gunpowder and Lead."

Seriously - plan on buying the album asap - like tomorrow! 1) I think she's gorgeous! 2) I love her style, her energy, her music - she writes it all. 3) It's my roots. Southern rock - yes please!

totally emo

2008-08-12T23:09:00.002-04:00

here's a piece of my totally emo artwork from work today:

haha - I'm such a great artist I know. Seriously, I just get bored at work and I find it calming to draw or play around on the computer. It's peaceful...

free

2008-08-11T22:27:00.003-04:00

I think it's a choice to change the things in your life that are negative. I'm making that choice today. I want to be happy again....independently happy.

Made this at work today:

embarrassing myself

2008-08-10T23:56:00.002-04:00

Tonight is the night I've decided I'll embarrass myself - ha. Below (if you can make it out is a picture from my 7th grade year of cheerleading. It was taken at my Papa's house...who knows where we were going. But look at those bangs and those braces!!! Not my best look.

I've also been digging through some old journals while I've been home. I kept a daily journal from around 6th grade - 10th grade, so it really is a lot of fun to look back on the stuff I wrote and see how it relates to me now. So anyway, I looked back on a writing from 10 years ago this week, when my first boyfriend and I broke up, and this is what I said then:

"What I was scared about last night has happened. **** and I have have broke up. It's over. Today when we first got to school he didn't know yet. He got my ring and we were playing around. That's how it was all day. I thought things would be okay. After school he told me he just didn't want to say it during school. He said he was ready to move on. He said a bunch of things, but what really mattered was we'd broken up. I cried, called **** at Papa's and then went to her house and cried to her. It's so hard for me to realize it's over. I told my mom on the way home. When I got home I called ****, and just went balistic. No one could help me. After moping around I called **** back. We called *****. About 7:50 I decided to call ****. We talked till 8:30 discussing why this happened. I began to understand . I got a shower, and he called me back. His dad had to use the phone, and he called me back. I'm doing better now. He says he wants to get back together sometime, maybe a week, month, or even a year. I hope a week or month. I still love him."

Anyway, it's funny how things change and how they don't. Below is not from 10 years ago - ha. It's from this week. Just some bored drawing I've been doing.